The ones we never knew

By PaisleyJade - Monday, September 06, 2010

It's rather strange saying goodbye to a stranger, and that’s one of the many surreal moments that comes when you lose a baby through misscarriage. Those that have been there often aren’t quite sure just what they’re supposed to feel or think, as well as the family and friends that surround them.

After we had our first baby boy, I went through the painful experience of losing my brother (written about here). Soon after that I discovered that we were expecting our second child, and the fact that it was due around the anniversary of my brother’s death made that pregnancy even more special – a life to celebrate and bring joy after having been through such a sad time.

I was rather shocked then, when I miscarried. It was a sad experience (and rather scary going under general aesthetic at the hospital). I kept a little box with mementos in it - the positive pregnancy stick, my maternity booklet and sympathy cards... and life moved on.

I was amazed through this experience to discover how many others around me had also experienced miscarriages – many family members and friends shared with me about their losses.  Some had found it sad, others had been seriously grief stricken by their loss, especially those who had dreams and hopes shattered after previously struggling with infertility.

A few years later we had another beautiful baby boy added to our family. Not feeling that our family was quite complete, we were happy (and surprised – haha) to find I was pregnant again. The pregnancy seemed to go along fine, and once I was past the ‘safe’ pregnancy stage I began to relax. You can then imagine our shock when at 18½ weeks pregnant, no heartbeat could be found during our maternity check up. An ultrasound soon revealed a perfectly formed image of a baby with no heartbeat. Although I tried, I could not hold back the sobs.

I assumed that I would be put under general aesthetic and wake up afterwards and go home. Symon left the hospital to collect my things from home, and although I felt all alone, I knew God was with me.

That day turned out to be such a full on day. Because of the stage of the pregnancy, I was told I would have to deliver it naturally. Nothing can prepare you for facing a labour without a happy ending. The labour was painful, but during it, all I could think of was all of those amazing women who have had to give birth to still born children a lot further along than ours. My heart went out to each and every one of them.

After the encouragement of my AMAZING hubby and midwife, we chose to hold and look at this tiny baby that we never got to officially meet. It’s little nose looked just like our eldest boy's nose. It had teeny-tiny toes and fingers. A few weeks later we sprinkled our baby’s ashes where my brother’s ashes were also sprinkled (a local surf beach).  This book helped a lot.

The next few weeks felt like a bit of a daze. I did cry and feel depressed at times. I knew God would turn this situation into something beautiful, so I held onto that promise. I knew that one day we would get to meet these precious little people.  We could literally feel the peace of God surrounding us.

I felt to share my story to encourage those of you that have been through the loss of a child, that there is always hope in every dark situation you endure (including struggling relationships, pain or suffering, depression, loneliness). Keep holding on. Look up to Him, who can bring peace and hope in the midst of the most devastating of circumstances.

Chris Pringle (author of this book) encourages all women who have been through  the loss of a baby to write about them as part of the healing process.  This is what I have done, and encourage you to do too. xox

"I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."
John 14:27

Article featured here on Delve and here on With Tears of Love.

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  1. I'm a friend to many who have had similar experiences yet haven't gone through it myself, have no idea really, how it must feel. Bless you muchly for being so brave and sharing your heartbreaking loss. Much love to you and your fam xo

  2. Thats a really moving testimony and it is going through these that really test our character and show God's heart towards us. Thanks for being brave and sharing! xx

  3. Julie Wood5:51 pm

    What a sad poignant story Kristy. Beautifully written though. I too have suffered the loss of two babies, they are forever in your hearts. It is sometimes hard to share these stories. Love to you all, Julie.

  4. Thank you for sharing this. I feel so touched and moved.
    Yesterday (5 Sept) was 10 years since I lost a baby through miscarriage and the pain was so raw at the time. I will never forget that precious little one who was called to be with Jesus.
    Thank you for being so brave to share your story.

  5. thanks for sharing, i can't even begin to understand how you feel or have felt at those times. It's great that you kept going and look at the wonderful kids you have! it's amazing how common miscarriages are and how essential to life they seem to be for that person in the end. (if that makes sense - everything for a reason i guess).


  6. Thank you so, so much for sharing this with us. I, too, am lucky enough to not have experienced this first hand but have friends who have. It breaks my heart even just to read about it. You are very strong to write about it and have done it so beautifully, too.
    I can't help but feel a little envious when reading such sad stories from women with religion, your faith seems to bring you such comfort and assurance. I would love to feel that when things go wrong for me.

  7. When you read peoples blogs you never know what they have been through. Thank you for sharing your story. You are an inspiration.

  8. i suffer really bad anxeity when im preggers because i know soooo many women who have had misscarriages and a friend who lost her baby at 20wks and also had to deliver naturally, its a huge fear i have and i just dont know how all these strong brave women cope ...

  9. Beautiful post. There can be nothing worse than loosing a little one, it is something I pray I never have to experience.

  10. This is so well written Kristy, so heart filled and so filled with peace - the peace that surpasses all understanding.
    Thanks so much for sharing this. I've never really known what to say to those I know have been through this. This helps a lot.

    Thanks again, what a blessing you are.


  11. Thank you so much for sharing this. I lost my first baby at 5 weeks and I was told it was only a chemical pregnancy not a real pregnancy. It was real to me and I believe I will meet him (yes, I think he was a him) in heaven one day.
    I was given Chris Pringles book too. It's beautiful.

  12. I too am moved by your story

    I had a miscarriage 18 years ago
    Like Sammy I wasnt very far gone
    I blamed myself for years
    and grieved

    my sister had a similar experience to yours
    I was blessed enough to be able to see my wee nephew
    he too was perfectly formed
    so little
    so precious
    we said goodbye to him at their home and they planted him at the base of a yukka plant they still have today


  13. Thank you for sharing this story. What a heartbreak for you, but such strength you have. It's amazing what we can summon up under adversity. Or at least what God gives us when we don't feel like we have any.

  14. we were reading tonight how our faith is worth more than pure gold in God's eyes. Thank you for the example of real, proven faith...and the desire to glory God through it.
    we have been so blessed to have been spared this heartache.
    bless you guys xo

  15. I am so sorry to read of your very sad losses and think you are very brave in writing your story, which will no doubt help someone, somewhere. Your words are so touching. With best wishes to you and your wonderful family. x

  16. What a beautiful post and I know that it will be a huge help to many women going through the awful pain of miscarriage, especially at a later stage. I lost one baby in between my girls and it was devastating. I felt like I had let everyone down. Your words were just perfect. Thanks.

  17. Thank you for sharing this Kristy. I lost a little one five years ago and was just devastated. I often think of my little cherub up in heaven, cheering me on when I'm feeling discouraged with his/her brothers and sisters. Knowing that I will one day seem my baby in Heaven brings such comfort and joy.

    I was only about eight weeks along and can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you and your husband to lose a precious one at 18 weeks. God bless you and your baby boy in Heaven. Meredy xo.

  18. Oh man Kristy. I had tears. I had chills. Thank you for sharing this with us. I am so moved by your story. {hugs}

  19. My heart breaks for you in understanding, there is little in life that is more difficult than delivering a baby you know will not be coming home with you. Thank you for your strength, for sharing your story and for your lovely comment on my blog today.

  20. Thank you for sharing your story, which I'm sure was very hard to write, but very therapeutic at the same time. I was blessed to be asked by my SIL to be with her when she experienced the same thing at 18 weeks and had to deliver her baby girl. Blessings to you!

  21. Thanks Kristy, this is a beautiful post filled with love and emotion.

  22. Anonymous9:35 am

    Beautiful...thank you for sharing. My grandma lost twin baby girls who were born prematurely in the early 1960s. She is nearing 90 now and told me the other day that when she passes, she is "looking forward to seeing my girls, who have grown up in the presence of the Lord". Needless to say I was bawling like a baby.

  23. you inspire me every day. love you xx

  24. Your story touches the hearts of all of us mothers. I am sorry that you and your family had to endure that kind of pain.
    I have to tell you about my girls.. my oldest is 19, She was concieved 1 month after papa spoonful and I were married. ( I was 18), and pregnancy was a breeze for me. in between having a healthy daughter I had 4 heatbreaking miscarriages.. The last one on November 14, 1995.
    I was told to stop trying, that my uterus was to weak to carry a baby.
    3 years later... after NOT trying, I was pregnant. I delivered this beautiful baby girl almost two weeks late on Saturday, November 14,1998
    ~ you think that is god's work?
    I haven't mentioned the best part... that my dad died on Saturday, November 14, 1992
    Pretty cool huh!!

    My girls have brought such joy and wonder to my heart. : )

    Hope you have a great week.

  25. beautiful post K... thank you so much for sharing your story. you help so many people with your words of encouragement. love you xo

  26. may the Lord bless you for sharing your heart and testimony. it's always beautiful to see how the Lord works to bring joy in the midst of pain. i haven't dealt with the loss of a child (only a parent) but i can only imagine it being the hardest loss of all, next to a spouse. the Lord is truly being glorified in your life!

  27. Thank you for sharing what must have been a very heart wrenching story - I still can't talk about my second miscarriage without bawling. Thank you!

  28. Anonymous12:38 pm

    My heart sees your heart
    heart breaking
    and freeing

    thank you so much for sharing your heart here with us today PJ
    you have touched me deeply

    love and light

  29. wow, very moving story. I haven't experienced the loss of a child, and have to say that is probably my greatest fear. I get quite upset when I tell people about Kvan having down syndrome and they make comments like 'what would you have done if you'd known' or 'why didn't you get tested'. I couldn't imagine not having him in my life, and there is no way that finding out early would have made a difference. In a world where so many lives are being lost, who am I to choose to end one so early. My heart goes out to you and all the others who never had the choice.

  30. I just happened upon your blog tonight while blog-surfing. I am touched to read what you have faced in life but moreover HOW you faced it. Thank you for sharing. Although I haven't gone through this my mom was one of the ones you spoke of who have gone full-term knowing they would lose their baby. She knew around 5 months that she would lose her baby but had to carry her until she went into labor at 8 months. Unfortunately she was put to sleep and never allowed the opportunity to hold her first child or to attend the small graveside service of family. It was hard for her but with her faith in the Lord she was able to gain strength in it. She had my sister and brother a few years later and then four years later they decided to have one more - me! :) I feel that if it hadn't been for that lost child, Angela was her name, that I would never have had my chance at life since they only wanted three. When I just expressed this to my mom a few years ago, she started crying. I don't think she realized how her own miscarriage had affected me who never had met my sister. But you are right that one day we will get to meet these miracles who have touched our lives in Heaven.

    Sorry to ramble especially since we don't know each other but I wanted to share! :)

  31. i have never had to experience anything like that and I am so glad that I havnt. I am blessed by your faith in keeping strong thru it. Thankyou for sharing that! You are an amazing woman!

  32. Rachel Dickens2:48 pm

    I am so grateful for your post today. How my heart goes out to you.I am currently 'losing' my baby and to know I will smile again is giving me the strength to hold on. You have proven to me that my life will go on and I will find something to smile about again. I only have to see your lovely photos to know I will. Thank you for posting this and being the inspiration I need so badly.xx

  33. What a moving post! Thanks for sharing your story. You're an amazing strong women of God.
    I was with my friend when she had to deliver her 24 week baby naturally... it was heartbreaking.
    God bless xx

  34. Thank you so much for opening your heart to us! Like so many others, I have never experience this and have no idea how it must feel. And I know what I imagine is nothing compared to what it really is. My heart goes out to you. But this post was so inspiring to read, God has a plan for each of us, even in sorrow. My hope is that your brave post can help someone else.

  35. ..I came here yesterday and read this post, but didn't know what to say. I'm sorry I stayed silent. ..And I'm so sorry for the losses you have had. Much love to you. <3

  36. Thank-you so much for sharing you painful but powerful story. You are such a strong and incredible person. xx

  37. I've thought about your touching post for the past 2 days, and I appreciate how you shared your difficult experience so eloquently. You're a wonderful mom and a bright role-model for anyone who has or will experience loss. Thank you, Kristy!

  38. Bless you for sharing this! I didn't know you had experienced so much loss. My heart goes out to you! This post was written with such hope and grace in the midst of pain. Our story is similar, although I only had one miscarriage. Nothing prepares you for the deep feeling of loss, but praise God for healing and restoring!!

  39. Thank you for sharing. I went through a similar experience with my first baby. But it always brings me joy to think I will always have something to look forward to in this life and that's meeting that baby in the end. You have such a beautiful heart. I know your story is going to touch so many who are going through this. :)

  40. Anonymous9:42 am

    Kia ora. I didn't know about the loss of your baby. I am so sorry.

    To you Simon and family all my love. That news made me cry. Sam in Hollywood

  41. Anonymous4:04 pm

    Thank you.

  42. So beautiful. I can relate with a lot of what you said. NOTHING prepares you for a day when you will deliver a baby without a happy ending. But nothing compares to the joy you feel when you bring a new baby, your healing gift (for me, it was my Mia Glory) into this world.

    Thank you for sharing this.

  43. It's so hard to put into words but your story is beautiful. I had an ectopic pregnancy and 3 miscarriages before I had my daughter (an amazing answer to prayer) and then another miscarriage before my son (another prayer baby) who's now 9 weeks old. I could never express my journey but I think I'm at that point where I need to write it down. Thank you for being so courageous!

  44. Whilst blog surfing I've happened upon your blog - I've seen you 'around' blogs quite a bit but this is my first visit.
    WOW your story - thank you for sharing - I have two miracles who walk with me every day Philosopher and Tsunami and 10 little ones who watch over me. Somedays it is too painful to talk about but I remind myself of my 2 darlings who are here!


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